Thursday, March 4, 2010


Tonight I went to a writing class.

Uh-boy, not a good opener. Now you've gotten the idea that a good post follows and well, friends, that just ain't happenin'. No really. I need you to let it go. With these words...gently, open your hand...release that silly little idea, let it float away into a sweet spring take a deep breath. What do you smell? Ah yes, the dog crap I didn't pick up in the front yard. Right I'll get on that. Now that you're inspired to keep reading, here's what's up:

I'm just having a crappy ass time of it. There. I said it. No rainbows, no unicorns. Just that sticky residue of unnamed, unreasonable emotions that remain unexpressed due to the lack of funds req'd to do the rock star therapy thing. So to the writing class I go for the therapy that I need. And to you, dear interweb therapists, I guess I'm a- bringin' it to you. Thank you in advance for your sage advice and wisdom. Thank you for your virtual ear.

Tonight I'm all jacked up on ideas and Pinkberry. If you're not in LA - let me just say this. You're lucky. This Pinkberry stuff is totally delicious, totally useless, likely completely toxic and open until 11pm on weekdays. I go through phases with this fancy fro-yo stuff. I really only eat it when I'm full of self-loathing. So there you go.

I mean, it's pretty awesome how perfectly rotten it makes me feel. I eat it, I check my watch and then wait for the headache to show up between :22 and :28 minutes later. Tonight it came on in a quick :12 minutes, but likely that was due to the fact that I ran through the rain thusly accelerating it through my system.

So what does all of this have to do with milk? (the title of my post). Well I'm doubtful that there is any actual milk in the product of which I've been rambling, so that isn't it.

No, it's about me. About the fact that I am still serving it 3-4 times a day and while deep down I'm a stinky, stinky hippy who would be probably be willing to nurse through toddlerhood and beyond I've had some recent experiences that are threatening to end my run of being a walking dairy dispenser for the little baby with a big head.

Well, you can't see them in this picture - but there are top teeth as well in that little cartoon mouth.

And like anyone with new tools that they'd like to try out, he's been checking out his chomping skills.

And like anyone who is learning their way around emotional states, lately he's been taking his anger out for a test drive.

Ok. I've said enough. Y'all are smart.

Although I will say this, I'm proud to say that while much harm as come to me, no harm has come to anyone else in this family. When the little bite n' pull showdown went down the other night I calmly put him in the highchair while I calmly went to warm up the lentils and rice mush and I calmly served it and while he was not so calm I was quite. It was almost eerie. Perhaps being emotionally shut down has it's place.

And since I left the boy and his Dad before the final milk session tonight in order to go deep into Hollywood for my class, now I've got the surplus and the accompanying pain. Of course there is no serving it anyway because it's laced with Pinkberry toxins.

So while my milkmaid status is potentially precarious, I offer this math. 20 months ago, in June of 2008 my body got taken over by the production of a person. 11 months ago in April of 2009 it became the diary farm that it is today. Here in March of 2010, I'm about ready to take it back for my own uses, even if they are not noble or good. Anyone want to back me up on this decision?

Your organic farmer,

PS - It's probably obvious if you're read this far, but I could use some encouragement. Life is kinda kicking my ass right now, so if you've got any - please do share.

**EDIT, 3/4** - I just found out that when the boy was getting his last song last night he starting looking around wildly for me. Watching the door and pushing the sweet singing daddy aside, he was clearly wondering when the usual milk delivery was coming. When it didn't come he finally wailed 'Mom!' and collapsed into an inconsolable wail.

So he has been saying Momma and Dad -dad-dad-dad it's a little non-specific, we're not sure if he's placing it with us. So that was a first, and it's pretty damn touching. I am twisting my hair into dreads right now so that I can merge with my image of a long-term breastfeeding momma (you know I say stinky hippy only with complete love, right?) and see if I can keep this party going. I"ll keep you posted.


  1. Oh Jane! What you are feeling is so completely normal. This is stuff we all struggle with on a daily basis. At least I do. Motherhood is so hard for so many reasons.

    We are required (I have not found any other way to do this gig) to put ourselves aside in a way that it difficult even on the best days.

    It does NOT mean that we don't love our children. It just means that it can be very hard to preserve the pieces of who we are, who we were before we became this other thing, this mother.

    We made this bargain (at least I did) without fully realizing the extent of the invasion of the little people.

    Don't get me wrong, I would not return them or trade them. I would just like to be able to start and finish a few things the way I used to be able to, you know, in less than a month or two. I would love to be able to go into the bathroom without at least two other people and a dog.

    Being selfish (in a good way) as a mother is a good thing. It will keep you sane. My mother was completely lost in her motherhood and ended up having three nervous breakdowns. It is okay to want to stop nursing. It is normal to feel like a host to a little, enchanting parasite. It is normal to wonder when you will get your self, your body, your life back.

    I still struggle with it. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you!

    This sounds so lame, but take it one day at a time and know that we all feel what you are feeling.

    Hugs to you and BHB. You are doing great and you have so much going on that you are just a little overwhelmed right now. Again...totally normal.

  2. Hi Jane,

    I remember those days of the boob bite! I nursed my daughter until she was two (yes, I'm a stinky hippy) which was long enough for me, especially with the sharp teeth. She sleeps with us and was only nursing at bed time...but it was an emotional and physical challenge to get her weaned. The three day trip to Vegas with my girlfriends helped :)

    Hang in there and please take comfort in knowing that most nursing moms have the same struggle of deciding when to wean and it sounds like you're definitely ready! Good luck and rest up for the potty training stage. Ugh.

  3. Well, my little honey bun is totally weaned. And guess what? No one cares! I don't miss it. She doesn't miss it. There was no muss, no fuss. In large part this was an easy adjustment because I never had surplus supply and Bea has always been a bottle happy kid. She likes the bottle because she can hold it herself and walk around while she easts. (She didn't like sitting still to nurse.) I kept the boob going until her first birthday, though it was mostly just 1-2 times per day for the last few months of nursing. I don't feel bad at all. I don't feel like an asshat giving her a bottle around all my booby feeding friends. We did enough nursing and now we're moving on. And oh! The sartorial freedom! I've never been so happy to wear a turtleneck in my life!

    Don't know if this helps. It's awesome to nurse into toddlerhood, but it's also laudable (IMHO) to do what you gotta do to keep everyone happy.

  4. Oh! And that photo with the little Mr. is INSANELY cute. I get to see him this weekend, no? I'm looking forward to it!

  5. We went through the biting days a while back. It was so hard, I didn't feel ready to stop nursing, I was crying way more than Henry was. I decided to just let it play out and not make an ironclad decision about weaning. For us that looked like: don't offer/don't refuse, quietly reposition with no reaction if he chomped me. I learned to tell by his mouth position if he had biting in mind - he'd make this little bird mouth - and I'd hand him to Daddy for comfort then. I really thought nursing was wrapping up, and then he suddenly got over the biting. He's now a year old, still nursing 3-5 times a day, mostly at "wake-ups" and no biting. Sometimes when teeth are just emerging it seems like his latch is "off" for a few days and I might get a nip here and there. I'm feeling about ready to be done, but I want it to look like what JJ described - no muss, no fuss - I'm just not ready for any big weepy scenes from Henry or me.

    That was meant to give you hope if you decide you want to keep nursing. If you feel done, then follow your heart. You've given little man lots and lots of boob time and he may be telling you in his chompy way that he's ready to move on to the next phase.

    That kid is gorgeous - sure hope I get to see you guys soon!

  6. I'm stick stuck back on Pinkberry. Is it really bad for you? How can tart air be unhealthy?

    Graham really is pretty insanely cute. And I love this whole post.

  7. Boy have I been there! I nursed my daughter until 13 months and then she decided to kick the habit. Do what your heart tells you to do. The biting thing is just a phase. When he bites, smash his face into your chest and look away until he lets go. He's looking for the yelp and the reaction. He's just learning about cause and effect and he realizes he can make you do things. Don't react and just keep on keeping on. This too shall pass. But, it's up to you to decide what you need to do for you and your babe. Don't let the haters who aren't in your shoes tell you which path to take. Follow your heart.

  8. I don't know what Pinkberry is, but I want it, and I want it now. You had me at "toxic".

    And your son is too delicious for words. Really and truly one of the cutest kids ever.

    I am totally, insanely jealous of your writing class. I want to eat Pinkberry, learn about voice and hang out in Hollywood. Instead I'm sitting here in frozen, stiff-upper-lip New England with no toxic treats.

    How did I make this about me?

    Because what I wanted to say was I'm sorry life is kicking your ass at the moment. I'm not even going to attempt any nursing advice ... I always felt conflicted about it - loved it, hate it, adored it, wanted my body back, full of love for it and then full of guilt. It messed me up a little, but I hung in there as long as I could, and I tried not to feel too guilty when I stopped. I should have tried twisting my hair into dreadlocks.

    Hang in there, hon. I'm rooting for you.


  9. You have already had a good long run with the nursing. Nursing was special, but I was also happy to get my body back when the child finally weaned (at 3.5 years!). As I recall, we just went through a short biting phase. And I think I did what Amanda recommmended above. Could your little guy also be teething/trying to relieve pain?

  10. Hollond Schiller-RomaineMarch 6, 2010 at 5:31 AM

    yup!!!! I am freeeeee--well sort of. My boopies pooped out at 5 months (went back to work). Now xander feeds himself when it is bottle time and I am just now making beautiful fruit and veggies purees. The first two weeks I was bummed but now at almost 7 months my boops look like they used to and I feel like myself for the first time. I actually rolled up off the floor for the first time while teaching my dance class. Physical and emotional strength is finally coming back. And...I don't feel like jumping off a bridge.
    I will now have strength to handle the teething which is right around the corner! Off to visit with Marilou and Chrissy this weekend. Marilou is due with her third baby in three weeks!! Miss you!

  11. I can relate so much with you specially since my baby is a couple of weeks younger than yours. During his last pediatrician's appointment the doctor mentioned the process to weaning and I cried a little to myself because I still don't want to give up this.

    PS: yup, those tiny bites are really painful, my sympathy is with you

  12. Janey! I'm listening and I hear you and I acknowledge - YES! Handing your body over to someone else for as long as you have is HERCULEAN. Actually, no, that's not an accurate adjective because I can't think of a man who would or could endure the discomfort, the hassle, the PAIN of pregnancy, labor, delivery AND breasfeeding. We are magic, these bodies of ours are magic, and it is okay to want that magic back for ourselves. BHB is beautiful and thriving and you've given him such an incredible foundation. Let's go for a hike and decompress and remind ourselves of the women we were, the women we will be again - just better for having become mamas.