Thursday, May 20, 2010

sweet dreams

I want to be good. I want to be layered with subtext and make tiny choices with big consequences. I want to be inspirational to smaller girls and lucid old people with twinkling eyes. I want to do something extraordinary - really extreme. Like those crazy Olympians. Yet I want to do it in a small ordinary way.

I think of the filmmakers who made Once. Have you seen that movie? It was a small undertaking that turned into an extraordinary thing. It's magical, and the title track to the soundtrack makes me sob without fail.

Like a David Whyte poem. Like this poem.
I pasted it below too....

I don't need need fancy dresses, I dress like a teenage boy in real life, why pretend and wear other people's dresses? (I'm thinking of the Oscar's of course). I just want to be grace and love and magic personified. I want to drop all of my bad habits, negative thinking and random bullshit that y'all have surely noticed over the last 3/4 year but have granted me pardon because I'm funny at times or my kid is too cute to pass up. I'm guessing anyway. Is that it?

Can you tell I'm working in a 'dream board' this week? I'll have to scan it and share it like a big old geeky crafty scrapbooker when I'm done.

I've got to get some vision back into this picture as it's gotten a dangerously dark and gloomy around the edges. As it is, that big ol' life change I've been threatening to dish about has finally come to pass in an official way. Our tenure in Los Angeles is coming to a close, this little family is moving east to be near cute hubs family. So the thing in the box over there to the left? About leaving LA for free babysitters? It's happening.

We're moving to Utah. I hope the saints are nicer to outsider's in 2010 than they were in the 1840's.  Hub's family is delightful and not a part of that scene (for the most part), but that part of the equation is an x factor that makes me uncomfortable. I'm reading Under the Banner of Heaven, which it turns out, isn't a great idea. But it is a great book.

I love LA in an unreasonable way, mostly because of the people who I love here. And the sun I love here. And the way people dream big here.

For the record I'm going to keep dreaming big up there in the valley near Park City, I just have to do it in the snow. (shudder)

So for now I'll leave you with this poem that a dear friend of mine sent me in an email six years ago. She didn't stick around the planet for long after she sent it to me, I think this kind of living is hard to do. But I love this poem and her memory in the same fierce way.

Heavy hearted-ly yours,

Self Portrait

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.
I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.

-- David Whyte
      from Fire in the Earth 
      ©1992 Many Rivers Press


  1. i love your subtext sweet jane. can't wait to have you a few states closer to me. miss your inspiration in my world.

    and thanks for the gift of that poem. words escape me.

  2. Oh, Jane, REALLY? And we haven't even met yet in person: I'd better hustle up there. But at the same time we just got back from visiting our families -- on the other side of the f'king country -- and seeing MiMi in such heaven, doted on by more people than just two of us, was stunning. So I came back with dreams of moving east myself, as in east east, back to Florida. So I hope you find what I'm looking for.

  3. Jane - yay for you!!!! I am bummed we never were able to see you in LA - but we will have to change that once you get to Park City and the SNOW!!! :-) We have a big surprise move that we're working on as well - it's funny how big of a leap it can seem to be, but how freeing it is at the same time. Love ya!

  4. Good luck with the big move, and keep writing! I live in a cold, snowy climate half of the year myself, and it can be good for the writing, being all cooped up. Your friend's poem was beautiful, too.

  5. Oh, Jane. I have tears in my eyes. I needed that poem today. I'm staring down the barrel of some hard sh*t today, some stuff that revolves around how to be real, how to love fiercely but keep it real, and I'm scared. That gave me a lot of hope and more than a little courage.

    And my heart skipped a beat when you said you were moving "East". EAST IS BOSTON, GIRL! NEAR ME! But I guess when you're in LA everywhere in the continental US is east, just about.

    Good luck. It's a big deal, and you know it, which is the best ammunition you have. I'm thinking of you.


  6. Aw, Jane! I'll miss you and that beautiful boy. Hoping your inspiring and honest writing continues from points east. There is nothing like having family nearby - I've no idea how we would get by without Henry's "Mimi" (my husband's mom). So glad to have gotten to know you a bit in real life and through this blog! Maybe we'll manage a playdate before you go? Much love, Carrie

  7. Hi - love your blog. Glad to hear you are coming to PC. Land of the beautiful people.......... :) I love PC. Great place to raise kiddos. Good Luck!

  8. I am so sad and I didn't need to read this post today. I'm still waiting for the act of God. Even if it comes in six months to bring you back to us.

    May the force be with you.

  9. I had to wait a few days for this to sink in. And I'm still all holy shit. But I get it. Oh, lord, I do.

  10. I find myself in a weird place....defending the State of Utah. You do not know of which you speak. Leave your mind open to being surprised. That's what's fun about life. I cannot imagine my life without being able to go 10 minutes from my home and being in the middle of nowhere with no people for miles. It's medicinal! The red dirt is in my blood too, southern Utah is magical. Give it a chance. I know one thing for sure...if you're in the middle of nowhere, there's no "Saints" around. Trace