Year One

Approximately one year ago (give or take 3 weeks) I began this blog. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I just knew that my friend Stefanie Wilder-Taylor said I should. We had just met, I thought 'she's funny as hell and seems to have it together as a mom, I'll do whatever she says'. I know, that's ridiculous. In my defense I was sleep deprived, and she's pretty.

You: Dude, you are such a name dropper.
Me: I know. Sorry.

But I'm glad I did. And so I've been up here more or less consistently typing into the void of the interweb sharing my panic about this parenting thing, and my love of the tiny boy with the big head, the endless nights of sleepwalking, our shortfilm fundraising efforts which succeeded (woot!), a possible huge move out of the state (which isn't happening by the way), and the continual unfolding of realization that this choice we made to be parents just changes the whole playing field in ways I still don't fully understand.

The shockwaves run the gamut: finances, career, friendships, marriage, personal identity. For me it's been a bit extreme in such groundshaking, earthquaking ways that it looks like a crack the size of South Dakota and feels like the crushing loneliness I felt driving through that state when I was 20. I feel a little ridiculous by how thrown I am by this new life, and while it's definitely getting easier, glimmers of the existential angst remains.

But I'm here, and you know what?  It's getting better and better. It's actually turning out to be an incredibly sweet life, and the likelihood is that the darkness I've seen this year is what brought me into this light. Sure the PPD fairy left her mark, but her fairydust doesn't choke me anymore, thankfully that little beyatch is flitting about more on the periphery.

So now that I've linked my way through some highlights of the year, I'll also share some faves that are unrelated. If you've got a minute or 14, wade on through...

* Cute hubs on our anniversary
*A big creepy fight outside our house
* A lovely moment of happiness during the holidays
* Sad (long) story of my brother's journey with schizophrenia
* During the movie review phase - Away We Go
* The birth story that I wrote in SWT's class. This was Take 2.

I'll leave you with this. One of the only ways cute hubs and I made it through the year is through knowing Larry and Linda - The Untroubled Couple. They are amazing and have a beautiful way navigating the stormy waters of love. Please watch the trailer for their webseries and become a follower. You won't regret it.




Untroubled and pretty happy about it,


PS - Link count: -  14 of my past posts and 2 other sites. That's a lotta linky!

PPS - Can't leave you without one pic of the BHB. This is his sign for Light.

Happiness

Today was one of the amazing days where time moved in a very odd and deliriously, delicious way. One minute forward, two minutes on hold, what feels like three hours turns out to be only :42 minutes. Have you had this experience? It's either some kind of acid flashback (Hey - I saw the Grateful Dead in my 20's) or it's just life's way of pointing out that time in fact doesn't ACTUALLY exist and the key to a stress-free year is to keep that lil fact front and center in the ol' cranium.

I wonder if time is going all Salvador Dali on me due to my proximity to the BHB? He's in a really cool phase of what appears to be his first class on perspective. He is constantly searching for a new angle on the shiny things in life. He ducks his head under to look up under the window shade, then checks the streaming light from 14 more observation points along the way. He dives sideways to observe the brown dog in a 90 degree angle, and then with great abandon and thrill, he flings himself back up in my general direction. I haven't caught the digital image of it yet, but he's been using his hand in an L position to observe the world. Like a viewfinder.

Me: Ah jeasus, just what this family needs, another director.

BHB: (grins) Squeek! Gurgle. Bah. Bah. Bah.

Me: No seriously dude, one control freak per household, please.

Who knows? I may have to step down from that auspicious post. We'll see in a few years. Here is a photo of our hero finding his reflection particularly fantastic in a shiny trash can at Whole Foods.

And the light in LA was perfect today. Rose Bowl Parade fans, did you notice?  It was that soft pink light, like what they get in Paris in the fall. (Umm, okay. I've been once. In the fall.) They have the most amazing grapes. Have you eaten french grapes? Holy crap, it's like eating perfume only that sounds dastardly and this is the opposite. If I could live in Paris, I would move in a heartbeat. Although, wait....since I don't drink anymore, that might suck. Harummph. I may need to rethink that fantasy.

But back to the USA. And today with it's long, lingering beauty. I realized something that I almost didn't want to admit to myself, and it's kinda shocking that I'm sending on over to you in this etherweb of wires and wireless-ness and other mysterious techno-weenie magic.

I am really happy.

I am. Life is really good. It's like a french grape. It's big and juicy and not covered in pesticides. My mom is in town and decided to stick around for three more weeks (sob! joy!). I'm all yummed up on good food and the good lovin' that occasionally a holiday season will deliver. I'm healthy. (we all are) My baby is STOOPID cute and killin' me with his fantastic ways. I should note that the cynical side of my brain wants to jump in here and type out all of the reason's I shouldn't be so damn joyful. But.

Hey, of course Mr. C-side has a point...but, you know what? I'm going to tell it to eff off. This kind of unreasonable satisfaction doesn't come all the time, might as well surf it's sweet little well-lit wave.

Happy New Year pretty internet friends!



PS - Also a big ol howdy welcome to the new followers. I know Stefanie sent you over and I will totally make out with her tomorrow when I see her to thank her. (I kid, but you know, she is hot) I hope to keep y'all entertained over here too!

PPS - Be sure to vote in my shmancy new poll over there to the left and up. What movie shall I type to you about on Monday? 

My Mom rockin' the Ergo @ Zen Zoo. Speaking of happy, right? Separating these two will NOT be easy later this month. Best not to think about that.











Santa takes a break from the hard Santa Baby workload. That look is so faraway and sweet, isn't it?

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

It's Christmas Eve and all through the house, not a brown dog is stirring, not even the skunk that totally kicked his ass last night.

The matching stockings (hell ya!) were hung by the fireplace with care. (there's no chimney, just a hole where you shouldn't put fire) In hopes that ol Santa would do a drive by and hook a lil family up. 

I in my ugg slippers and Pa in his cap have settled our selves and he'll be seeing about a long winters nap since I"ll be up typing this for way too long obsessively checking to see that it's a) funny b) touching and c) fit for such a fine occasion as Christ-mas. 

Christ-mas!! Christmas Ricky! (name that movie for 20 points)

Okay that's enough of that silliness. Let's talk about why Grinch was probably totally justified in stealing this consumeristic lame little holiday that allegedly has something to do with the Christian faith but mostly concerns itself with the bottom line. I say heave ho that bag of crap off the top o the mountain you green faced lil freak, DO IT!

But I don't really mean it.

And yes, you totally know where I'm going, and here I go. It's BHB's first Christmas!! It's so sweet. He won't remember a g'damn stitch of it but I suddenly care just a little bit. He's my little Cindy Lou Who but he's better drawn. One tooth, (well two but only one really reads in pictures). A ready grin. A fantastic squeal. A new zest for solid foods. A joy that can be witnessed by his gummy little hands opening and closing in unison. Dammit I love him so much.

I am the Grinch. I totally am. As you know from the previous post (scroll it on down if you care to) I was so not into this thing. I was feeling obligation to care and since my folks are in town doing lots that looked like caring. But this week and it's manic nuttiness has brought home a new range of the emotional goods.

My heart has grown three sizes this week. I'm just blown away by the highs and the lows of this thing. Momma's, can I get an amen? Never have I been more physically, emotionally stretched. Never have I been more afraid. Never have I been more in love. It's all so Ginourmous and gorgeous and overwhelming and UGH comon' fingers -comon'! These typed words can't stretch their truth around the magnitude of the LOVE...yes that's it but I need more emphasis or italicises or bold to say it, yell it. I love this silly baby person and the person who made him with me. I love him! It's crazy love! Both of these boys. And the brown one too.

But y'all know, right?

I can feel my heart going stretchee stretch. Every time that kid lights up when he see's me. Everytime he squeals with the sheer whatev's of it. When he falls alseep in the Ergo as we shop for Christmas dinner and his soft little downey cheek smooshes up to my chest and his long eyelashes relax and despite the clanging noise and shopping fury he his so soundly asweetly asleep. Ohmygod. My little Grinch heart is bursting out of my chest. What a mess. It's so wonderful.

Cute hubs and I watched It's a Wonderful Life tonight and wrapped presents and baked pumpkin pies (this was a first folks) and I panicked because I didn't know it was so liquidee when it goes in? Is that right? And holy dairy festival! But anyway. As you can see we pretty much followed the Christmas eve brochure to the letter and it was awesome.

Merry Christmas beauties! I hope y'all are having a wonderful day with your littles. Thanks for making my season so bright.

Big Love! (obviously)


PS - Check out the Santa-on-Santa action! I couldn't help but think about Billy Bob in Bad Santa but the whole standing in line talking to other Moms and making a total ass of myself trying to get him to smile totally got me into the spirit. God bless us all, right?