According to one of the books I read to make sure I feel completely guilty and overwhelmed by the responsibility of shaping this young man's life, destiny, and huge therapy bills, the brain is pretty much built in these formative years. And so by doing the right stuff, like lots of face time and putting the iPhone Down you can affect IQ by 30 points or more. Apparently at birth 10% of neurons are linked and working and that multiplies to where 90% of the wiring is in by age two! So grow those synapse's little one - get 'em while they're hot.
This weighs heavily on me, and the books have differing opinions. Stimulate! Neurons need entertainment food, like Hulu for the drooling set. Or, baby needs sleep. Work your life around a nap schedule and Suck it up if you think you get to go out of the house for more than 60 minutes at a time or at night. If you don't sleep train him you'll suffer and so will he. If you do, the stress from the crying will kill all of that good face time and the IQ points you've worked so hard for are lost. So the books battle it out there on my bedside table and in my brain and basically the result is a delicious new feeling - Mommy Guilt. Oh it's yummy juice, part crushing shame, part low-level constant anxiety, add a dash of hormones for drama and a squeeze of lemon. (as in lemon in a paper cut)
So when the lil bobblehead is grumpy there are many reasons that he could be so - ALL of them my fault. I didn't catch the pre-nap stare and he's overtired. I missed my fish oil yesterday or god forbid I ate any of the b'feeding no-no's like chocolate, caffeine, tomatoes or you know, brown rice. Who knows what might piss off a little guy via milk. He's overstimulated? Under-stimulated. He needs to learn baby signs and oops I probably missed the window to teach him French. And thanks to my over-achieving control-freaky personality I'm obsessively trying to do this 'right' and as you can see, it's awesome!
I guess the best I can do is have a lil gratitude about the fact that the post-partum-depression fairy hasn't visited in while. Anyone else friends with that little bee-yatch? She's an odd one - she visits some of the momma's, not all of us. Just the lucky ones who get to endure the fawking hormonal-coaster from hell where all perspective is lost and no good yummy "I love my baby" feelings are to be found. I was lucky that while she did bitch-slap me pretty hard for the first weeks, it subsided around week 7. Oh the PPD fairy still does a drive-by here and there and I'm lost in the soup of self-pity and crushing despair, inadequacy and suicidal thoughts. And then I'm fine. And he's cute and I'm cheerfully trying to find the words to little bunny fu-fu so I can sing them to him. Of course I have to get the words right and I wonder if the lyrics are too dangerous for his little ever exponentially expanding mind. But! It does explain the big head.
Finally in my 2nd way-too-long post I want to give a shout out of thanks to Stefanie for linking me up. You are such a beacon of sanity and humor for all of us lost Mommies.
If it makes you feel any better, I am on my way to "music class" (read here licking drumsticks and marching around) which we've been doing since the girls were about 10 months old because I'm afraid they won't be musically inclined if we wait until they are in pre-school. Being they are nearly 20 months now, we've missed the window for learning French.
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